There are essentially two schools of thought about informing your children about their adoption.
- Tell your children that they are adopted.
- Don’t tell your children that they are adopted.
What it really translates into is who tells your children they are adopted. They are going to figure it out no matter how much they look like you (sooner if they don’t).
When Thunder was two he went to a new pediatrician that almost immediately said, “So, you are adopted.” To which Thunder replied “Praise God! Amen!” He had heard it enough to know how to respond. The pediatrician was a little taken aback and replied, “That’s some ammunition to fire back!” He didn’t get it. There will always be people that don’t get it.
I am not going to beat around the bush with this one. I don’t know of a single situation (of course there may be some – I just don’t know of any) where withholding information from the child is helpful.
Yes, it is true that adoption can be traumatic for the child, even if you have them immediately from birth. However, attempting to heal that trauma by pretending the adoption didn’t happen, doesn’t help.
Adoption makes them different. They know that, even if they don’t know why. Your job as a parent is not to bury your head in the sand, but to help them embrace the difference that God has given them, so that they will love it. God has placed them with you. Now, train them up to give thanks for that.